Wedding Rituals: Who gives this woman?
Does the bride wish to be “given away”?
In a traditional wedding service the question asked is, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” and her father would answer “I do” or “Her mother and I do.”
These days many couples feel this wording is archaic, reflecting a time when women became their husband's property on marriage. You probably see yourselves as stepping forward in marriage as partners in a life you build together.
With meaningful rituals you can still invoke the support of your parents, siblings, children or wider community within your ceremony, without feeling like property.
Consider these options:
- Acknowledging all the people who have helped each of you become the person you are today, and asking everyone present to pledge their support of your life together in marriage: “Will each of you do everything you can to uphold and care for (Name) and (Name) in their marriage?” The guests will answer “Yes, we will” in response. No need to worry that they may not answer, I will get them to practice before the ceremony begins.
- Asking both sets of parents for their support in your marriage. Wording could be similar to option 1, but specifically asking your parents to answer. e.g. “(Parents’ names), as parents of (couple’s names), do you offer your love and support to strengthen this marriage and bless this family created by this marriage today?”
Parents respond: “Yes I do” - Give a small gift or flowers to your parents or other significant guests. This often happens just as we begin the ceremony, by way of thanks for their support. You can choose something meaningful to you, and I will introduce what is happening for the benefit of all the guests.
- Warming the rings: this can include all your guests or just your close family. We pass the rings to your guests to hold and silently make a wish for your future together. Depending on how many guests, we start this process so there is enough time for everyone to imprint their good thoughts on your rings in time for the ring exchange.
- Wishing stones or messages on photos: ask your guests to send you their good wishes while holding a small stone or pebble that they are given on entering the ceremony space. Or provide everyone with a photo (select your favourites to be printed for this) and a pen as they arrive, to write a message of support for you on the back. In either option we call the guests up to the front to place their wishes or messages in a box or other suitable container. Both these options work well with smaller numbers of guests. I can call them forward to deposit their wishing stones or photos while we sign the paperwork. Wishing stones in a decorative vase are a lovely keepsake, as is an album full of your favourite photos with loving messages on the back.
What do you think about these options? Would you like to include a mark of support from your community in your wedding ceremony?
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